The Ugly ‘Before’ Picture

“Isn’t endometriosis just bad cramps?”

Before I begin to look ahead to the future, I want to paint a picture of what things look like now. There are many misconceptions about endometriosis, and everyone has a different story.

 

2am: After tossing and turning for a few hours, I wake up to what feels like a fist clenched around my insides. I can feel the anxiety creeping in as I crawl out of bed to find the heating pad. My mind races with each wave of pain, and I try to ignore everything with Netflix. I fall back to sleep for ahwile.

5am: Stabbing pain in my bladder that will periodically reappear throughout the day. Try to sleep a little more.

6:30-mid morning: Get as much done as possible during the short-lived burst of energy after coffee but before a painful, sleepless night catches up with me. Is it too early for a nap? Why is my lower back so sore already and why do I have hip pain at 28? Deep infiltrating endometriosis is found in the cul-de-sac of the pelvis, causing issues with my hip flexors and sacroiliac and constantly making me feel far older than I am.

This is the point in the day during which the guilt creeps in. The feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. What kind of friend/family member/employee can I be if I’m falling to pieces? I try to soothe my mind with guided meditation, but then I feel guilty about not doing something “productive” with my time.

Over the course of the rest of the day, I’ll deal with small surges of energy mixed with more stabbing bladder pain, nausea, and a tension headache. By 7pm, I’m exhausted and ready to crawl into bed, but I keep going. I hope that if I truly wear myself out, tonight will be the night that I get some quality sleep.

This wasn’t meant to be a bitch-fest. By documenting the way things are now, I can accurately judge my progress as I make these important life changes. I look forward to being held accountable.

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